FAQs

Q: What is a psychoanalyst, and how is that different from a psychologist or a therapist?

A: A psychoanalyst is a therapist who gained a degree as a psychiatrist (M.D.), psychologist (Ph.D.), or social worker (M.S.W. or Ph.D.) and then entered an analytic training institute for approximately six to seven years, to become a certified psychoanalyst. The training is rigorous and candidates must apply themselves in four areas: theory courses, clinical courses, supervision, and being analyzed themselves for at least several years, to learn how to separate their own issues from those of their patients.

Psychoanalysis was founded by Freud, and a number of his key discoveries are still at the base of analysis as practiced today: the unconscious, free association, dreams, awareness of transference - the patient's viewing the analyst as significant others in her past, and awareness of countertransference - the analyst's viewing the patient as significant others in her past. But the field has integrated many other influences through the years that have modified Freud's approach and have led analytic therapists to include more of the actual patient-therapist relationship, more conversation, and more of the patient’s sitting up and facing the therapist (as opposed to lying on the couch) than in earlier times.

Q: My mother and I have always had a great relationship. My mother is my best friend. How could My Mother, My Mirror apply to me?

A: Regardless of what your relationship with your mother has been, the goal is to help you separate your truer self-image from an inaccurate one she might have had about herself that she passed on to you unwittingly.

Q: Why does your book focus on the role of the mother in a woman’s self-perception? Haven’t we moved away from blaming mom?

A: I'm glad you ask that, because there's a misperception about mother blaming since the women's movement, I think. Women are often upset about the idea that responsibility would be put in their own and in their mothers' hands for everything that goes wrong with children. But My Mother, My Mirror, shows why the "mother guilt trip" has no place. Instead, the strategy shows how to pinpoint the distorted self-image our mom had while raising us, and then separate hers from ours. I included 5 Mother Mantras that help you see that guilt lessens when you experience the book as a journey.

Q: My mother is dead so I can't ask her why she did or said certain things to me. How do I make peace without hearing her side of things?

A: It’s understandable that you would think that way, based on a cultural focus on our relationship with our actual mothers – living or dead. My Mother, My Mirror highlights the image and sense you have of your mother from childhood that you carry in your mind. Because of that perspective, what she did or who she was doesn’t matter as much as how you saw her and how you perceived her behavior and thinking.

Q: My husband is nothing like my mother. Is it really true that women often marry men who remind them of their parents?

A: Your husband may seem to be nothing like your mother – on the surface. What My Mother, My Mirror conveys is that the mother image – the sense of our mother during childhood – lies in the deeper layers of our mind, and causes us to be drawn to aspects of her beneath the appearance and behavior of friends, lovers, partners, and husbands.

Q: You say that although fathers are important in shaping daughters' self-images, the focus in My Mother, My Mirror is on mothers and daughters. What do I do if I think my father had more to do with my self-esteem?

A: That's an important question. I believe you'll find that by exploring your mother's view of herself, and her view of you while raising you, you'll discover her influence in what you thought was just his.

Q: Do you have a daughter? What is your research based on?

A: I have two sons, but my research comes from my whole life as a daughter, my many years of working with female patients who were daughters themselves, and mothers of daughters, and male patients connected to mothers and daughters.

Q. My mother always went at it more with me than with my sister. Is that because she saw more of herself in me that she didn't like?

A: That concept might certainly be lying beneath all that conflict. My Mother, My Mirror can help you understand the causes of it and use that understanding to shift your self-image to a truer one that's not as colored by your mother's inaccurate view of you, which is part of the problem between you.

Q: Could you explain a bit more about the carnival mirror self-image in My Mother, My Mirror?

A: The carnival mirror self-image is a skewed view of yourself that's been passed on unwittingly through female generations, from mother to daughter.

Q: How do the five thought links work?

A: First they ask you to identify if you're satisfied with your life or unfulfilled, free or stuck; and if so, to pinpoint whether a distorted self-image is responsible.

Q: How do you get those answers?

A: Here's a sample of questions from My Mother, My Mirror that guide you:

• Do I keep myself back from new activities because I'm actually not capable of doing them, or because I fear others will see me as a fool, as I see myself?
• Do I have a hard time accepting compliments or gifts because I truly don't deserve them, or because I don't view myself as deserving of them?
• Do I hold myself back in bed because Mom was afraid of being sexy and passed the no-no to me, so I see myself as low grade if I enjoy it?

Q: Is My Mother, My Mirror a self-help book with steps to help me change my self-image?

A: Well, it is a self-help type of book, but the change comes through a journey of what I call phases — involving your personal process — rather than steps, which often require you to fit yourself into some set ideas.

Q: What will your next book be about?

A: I have a number of topics in mind, but I can't yet say what "that one" will be, because, as I've learned from writing My Mother, My Mirror, my inspiration emerges out of a process, as opposed to following an outline. Currently I'm presenting My Mother, My Mirror to so many varied audiences, I'm learning new things all the time from the people who ask me stimulating questions and invite me in to hear about their own fascinating experiences. I believe that that input is helping to form the spark for my next book.